Bulk Store Boy
“There are just too many people touching things...everywhere, everybody's touching something.”
This is the reason my wife gives whenever I ask her about her why she hates going to the Apple Store. She can't seem to stand all the grabby-hands probing and prodding the newest Apple gadgets and gear. Me, I just can't stand the people. Touching or not, crowds of lobotomized consumers tend to give me the heeby-jeebies. But apparently, were it not for all the groping, my wife would be perfectly at home being pinballed between each and every human being on the face of the planet...and so there's Costco.
I am sure that everyone is familiar with this famous American institution, or its red-headed step brother Sam's Club, where frugal shoppers gather in bulk to shop in bulk. Well I, for one, feel a similar detest for Costco as my wife does for the Apple Store. There are too many people touching things.
Specifically, there are too many chubbies getting a little chubbier one free sample at a time.
“Excuse me sir, would you like to try a processed fish munchie,” asks a hair-netted geriatric dealer at the corner of the frozen food section.
“No thank you, I already have diarrhea,” I politely retort, as I begin to feel this nagging pain shoot down my left arm. It's Catchr. Evidently, his diaper is not full and he would like a processed fish munchie, or he will tear off my arm and beat me with it. As I am not the type of person to capitulate without some semblance of a fight, I beg my wife to get a “munchie” and see whether or not Catchr will eat “it”. Astonishingly, the child that cried when his mother attempted to feed him birthday cake is a fan of processed fish. He gobbled it up, with a smile...and a little snort.
As we rounded the next corner, I noticed Catchr begin to crane his neck to the left and to the right, looking for his next “meat” fix. Ah yes, Costco/Disney chicken nuggets. “Do you think he'll eat 'em,” asked my wife as she headed toward the sacred offering. She came back with one nugget in a little napkin(ette), just big enough to mop up the grease, and fed Catchr his second mini-meal of the day.
I can't believe he ate it, I thought to myself. You see Catchr has currently been on a see-food diet, holding whatever food you put in his mouth, out on his tongue and then letting it fall into his lap and onto the floor. I'd say he's gotten pickier, but that wouldn't do his Kerry(esque) flip-flopping justice. He'll eat two bites, cry until you bring him something else, and then cry to regain possession of the original food. As such, my wife and I are very happy to find anything that he will consume in total.
I know what you are thinking. That shit is nasty and you really shouldn't poison your child with all that processed food and saturated fat. I agree...in theory, however, an angry baby is NOT good for anyone. And while Catchr is a big fan of fruits and (remarkably) vegetables, we still need a way to get good ol' fashioned protein into his growing body. He does like tofu, and it is a great source of protein, however, given the large concentration of phytoestrogen in soy, I have nightmares of sending a large-breasted 5 year-old boy to kindergarten because I failed to give him chicken nuggets as a toddler.
We finished our rounds through the store, making frequent stops just beyond the handouts. This provided the perfect cover as I would stare at miscellaneous items on the shelves (kidney beans, ranch dressing, adult diapers), while Sara would sneak up to alter and grab a sample. We would proceed down the aisle, making note of Catchr's reaction to different foods. The ones he liked, we bought. The ones he didn't like, we skipped.
And so my arch nemesis became my ally for that day. Until we meet again.